Life or something like it!

Writen Pictures!!

2011-05-30T13:38:00.000-04:00

After my first marriage I decided to never be dependent on anyone but myself. If I have you in my life it is because I choose to have you there not because I have to have you there. There are a few that I would like to be apart of my life but at the moment it is not possible not from my part but theirs except one. My grand-daughter. I would love to have her part of my day to day life but it has almost been 4 months since my daughter has let me see her. It hurts more and more each day. You would think it would become easier but it is not. I do my best to still enjoy life and make memories that I can one day share with my grand-daughter. When I go to things (like the zoo, a Nascar Race, etc) I constantly think Snowe would love this.....this would make Snowe laugh.......Snowe would........the list goes on and on. Sooooooo I take lots and lots and lots of pictures so when I see her I can show her. It is the second best thing to being there. I actually had someone tell me that they didn't need to go to the Zoo because I had a pic (at least two) of every animal there. lol Sometimes you just have to deal with the life the best you know how. Just because one part of your life isn't the way you want it to be does not mean that you have to stop living. It is the small things that you can do that make you happy that can help you handle the parts that are not perfect. While life is not perfect, we have to do what it is that keeps us reaching for perfection. My life would be perfect if my daughter, grand-daughter, and grand-son would be part of my life but I know that Allee no longer wants in my life and as for the grand-babies............Aiden don't know me and Snowe will one day be back in my life. I have to fight daily to keep living because there will be a day that I can have them part of my life and I want to be able to show them that I love them enough to keep living and taking photos so they could share in some of the days that made me happy.

I know photography isn't everyones cup of tea or even writing but these two outlets are my only forms of expression that allow me to see things for what they are and for me to express how I see life, a situation or even deal with my feelings. When I look through the lens of a camera I see things differently than what someone else may see. I see not just what it is at that moment but what I will see in years to come from looking at the photo. The life. The realness. The fun. When I write, I put into words what I am feeling that I can not express in life and sometimes it is a release of things that weigh on my mind or subconcious that I have yet to realize myself. I force myself to never rewrite what I am thinking because then I over think and how I am truly feeling does not get expressed. So like it or not I am who I am. My life can be seen in my writing and my photos. If you happen to be someone I choose to be in my life then you can also see my feelings, emotions, and strength in my eyes. (Told that by every person who ever knew me.)

Catching up

2011-04-23T13:20:00.004-04:00

It has been several years since I have written on here. So I am going to just catch up on the past 3 years.

Allee got pregnant again by a guy that is sooooooo abusive by the name of Rob. Aiden was born on Feb 8, 2010. I truly don't know much about Aiden because I have not seen him since July 2010. That being said....I think I need to explain. In June and again in August, Rob physically abused Snowe. While the courts gave David (Snowe's biological father) custody in November they state that he has to remain in FL to get custody of Snowe. I now live in NC to help him with all the leg work to get Snowe safe. Allee refused to allow me to see Snowe since I supported David in getting Snowe so there was no use in living in FL anymore. For some odd reason she has remained with Rob even though he is verbally and physically abusive to her and Snowe as well. So far I have not heard of any physical abuse to Aiden but I really don't know. I thought that by us always getting away from Kevin (my first husband) that Allee would see that no person should ever lay a hand on you. I guess she isn't as strong as tried to get her. Some individuals feel as if they have to have a man in their life and that they don't deserve any better than an abusive ignorant jerk. While Allee is very book smart, she has shown me in the past year that book smarts does not make you intelligent.

Strength is something that we all strive for on a daily basis. While we each have our strengths on things, strength within is the hardest to obtain. I understand how much it takes to stand up on your own two feet and not allow someone else to "control" my every move, thought, or emotion. After having Kevin (ex) as my husband I learned that I can be strong without needing to be validated by a man that I am someone. I raised Allee with strength that I want the best for my child and I only depended on myself to do so. When Snowe was born I found an even stronger strength to protect and to nurture in a different way than I did with Allee. Now I cry every day for fear of what is happening to Snowe. There is nothing I can do for Allee now because in her words "your a bitch and it will be a cold day in hell before I ever speak to you outside of court". I know for now she will have to get pass her hatred for me before I can ever be anything more than just a "bitch" to her. She is over 18 so I have no more control of what she does. I can only pray that one day she will see Rob for who he is (which by the way his criminal record goes as far back as 10+_ years and all includes drugs and assault/death/abuse.) As for Aiden.......while he will always be my grand-son, he probably not know me except from whatever Snowe tells him.

As much as I want to say that we control how our children grow up, I can't. Our best intentions can only go so far with them. Our mistakes are not always mistakes for them. What is a good choice for you does not mean it will be good for them. No matter how much we love them, it does not control how they see love or how they love. I told Allee every day I love her and that I am proud of her. I taught her that she should not rely on anyone to make her happy and to always put family first. Instead, she allows one abusive man to control her every move, thought, and emotion. We can only support our children and give them the tools they need to survive and live. If our children head down the wrong road, we don't stop loving them. We just have to continue showing them love and help guide them in the right direction.

Well that is enough for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoy your families. You never know how one of their decisions may change the relationship you have now.

January 27th

2008-01-27T11:06:00.000-05:00

Well today is my birthday and on this particular day I look back on what I have done over the past year, goals achieved, goals set, etc.

Here is what I come up with this year...............

1. I have moved 10 times in the past year. PLUS I am moving this week. UGH!!!!!!

2. I have come to the conclusion that Sherry no longer exists. If it isn't Mom, I am Nana. I am not complaining because I love both of those names and all it intels. BUT when your neighbors think that your real name is Mom or Nana then there might be a problem. lol

3. Ex's can be jerks and make you jump hoops to escape them (and their current spouses)

4. I have traveled by cab, train, bus, car, truck, plain, boat, UHAUL, and last but not least horse over the last year. (the donkey don't count because I wasn't really going anywhere on it. lol)

5. I have been to 2 hockey games, 2 baseball games, gatorbowl, 1 bike rally (Daytona), Pepsi 500, and went to a dance competition. So I have watched new sports in the last year as well as some I have been to before. It is definitely better to see sports in person than on TV.

6. I have watched my grand-child be born and got to cut the umbilical cord. YIPPEE!!

7. I have been cussed at by 3 people this year. Once by an old friend (no longer a friend long story read #8.), once by someone who hurt Allee (I yelled back.), and the last was in writing by someone by the name of Tracy.

8. Lost a friendship that I have had since Allee was 1 1/2 yrs old. This was due to him not taking his medications so his blood pressure made him start yelling and getting him mad over a hairbrush he couldn't find. I have tried to have a conversation since then but he is too proud to even admit that he was wrong in what he said plus some of what he said is hard to forget. So, one lost friendship over a brush.

9. I have dealt with the CPS (child protective services), police investigators, Children advocates, and DSS (Department of Social Services.) All of those because someone by the name of S.... felt that she would be better raising my child then I am and that my grand-daughter didn't deserve us. They have told me that I was a great a mom/nana and that the allegations established by S.... were unsubstantiated and falsified. That they wish all parents took as much care and interest as I did. If S.... makes another complaint that can not be verified then she will be charged with deplomation of charachter and falsified police report. It seems there is a new law into affect that charges people (jail time of 5 yrs) if they consistently make reports on people when there isn't a problem in the first place. It was established due to someone who had kept complaining about a family mistreating a child because she didn't like the mom. Since they are required by law to verify every call they were verifying one of her calls when another child was killed because they didn't have enough man hours to get to the real complaints that day.

10. I have had 2 short stories printed this year.

11. I found some old friends that I didn't think even remembered me and that showed me that I did make a difference when I was in junior and high school.

12. Learned that I can talk on the phone, make a bottle, and hold the baby at the same time. lol

13. I am one step closer in achieving my goal to becoming a professional photographer.

14. Learned that I still love my ex Jim but I am not in love with him. I love him for the friendship he and I had once. I only want happiness for him but I am afraid he doesn't know how to find it.

15. I am happy with it being just me, Allee, and Snowe. I do miss having someone in my life to hold me and that I connect with (been divorced for 7 yrs should know) but honestly I am content with how things are right now.

Well, I guess that pretty much sums up my year. It has been an emotional, Chaotic year, physically exhausting, and all around ................ok year. Allee is healthier and we have a new addition to the family. It makes all of the other stuff not mean as much (except for the friendships).

So, Have a great 2008. I plan on it.

Deleting certain blogs

2008-01-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

When I first started writing here no one knew what I look like or even what my daughter looked like. Since then I have posted a few pictures but not that many. The reason is...this is my outlet. This is a place where I can vent, yell, praise, whatever I want and not feel as if someone who knows me personally will go running their mouth.

Well, someone found my site and saw where I was telling the facts about my life. They weren't so nice in the email they sent to me. It goes something like this (Copied from the email not my words)................

"You are a piece of shit for putting online the facts of your life. What happened in your life should never have been told. What if your ex's family found out the truth about your marriage? Don't you know you are affecting his life now that you are telling people what happened? YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A BITCH WHO SHOULD SUFFER!!!! Tracy"

Well, guess who that was.......the current companion of my first ex-husband. The woman who stood back and watched as he abused my daughter and who stands as he tells his friends and family that she is just a girlfriend and will always be married to me.

I had to delete all photos that were on my site that pertained to the girls and me. This is for our safety. For those who want pictures that I know then give me an email and I will send them but from this day forward there will not be any pictures on this site of us.

To Tracy.........you have been with a man that has hurt his children, abused everyone who has come his way, and one day you will see that the things he does to you are not going to end. Standing by a man that will beat you, put you down, tells you that I am still his wife, etc will never be the man you really want him to be. I hope one day you will see the real Kevin and I hope you are able to live to tell about it.

Postings

2008-01-05T09:47:00.000-05:00

Well I am getting aggravated. I have been trying to post some blogs this week but every single time I think it is posted it isn't until several days later. UGH!!!!!! I am so aggravated with this. I guess I don't have the patience this week to withstand it. lol

So, if you notice that there are new blogs and they are dated from earlier in the past two weeks. then I am sorry. It isn't me.

Just needed to vent for a few.

My brain

2008-01-02T11:44:00.001-05:00

Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

friends

2007-12-28T10:17:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had a friend that when things are going good they are there for you all the time but when things aren't great you can't seem to reach them? Or the other kind of friend that the only time you hear from them is when they need something? Or maybe the kind that no matter what is going on they have it worst?

I have a "friend" that the only time I ever hear from them is when their life don't have a man, they have no one else to talk to, AND they need something. We will call her Ashley. The second I hear her voice I know what is coming next. Since the day I met her (about 10 yrs ago), I am the one that she calls when nothing is going good and she needs to confirm that her life is perfect in every way.

She is a beautiful woman on the outside but on the inside she has got a great many issues with needing to be told that she is good, beautiful, needed, etc. I know word for word almost how the conversation will go. First she will ask how I am doing, then she will say things aren't that great for her and that she is alone again. After she goes through what has happened since the last call which usually takes about 20 minutes because I haven't heard from her in about 6 months to a year. This time she told of her trips to Paris with some guy named Chris who didn't give her everything she needed (which is why she is alone again). She will sigh a couple times then she will say so what is going on with you. This time I explained about Allee and the baby. She will say you know I feel for you but I am so glad my life is better than yours. She'll wait about 2 minutes then say "Well, I need to go. I have friends coming over so I will call you back sometime this weekend so we can see when we can get together for dinner or something." I won't hear from her for another 6 months to a year. Why do I put up with it? I know the way it is going to be with her. Yet I still answer her call and I still call her a friend. I do this because I know who she is and I know what to expect. She doesn't do anything different. I know that she is a good person but she was taught to always have a man around to be happy and since I have known her I am the one that helps her stabilize so to speak after a break-up. It don't hurt me and it helps her so I continue with her break-up calls.

We all have a friend that we call when things are bad that we count on being there for us. We have those that we know that when the going gets tough not to call unless things are going well and they don't have to be supportive. But there are only a couple of people that we can count on to be there thick or thin, good or bad, that will tell us the truth at all cost, and that even when we get mad at them it doesn't stop us from loving them. I have been fortunate enough to have 2 people in my life like that. No matter if our calls aren't everyday, I know when we talk again it is just like I spoke to her yesterday.

This world has gotten where friendships are taken for granted and used instead of treasured.
Today take a minute to call your friends and just let them know you were thinking about them. A gesture from you could change that person from a sometime friend to a good friend.

Have a great week.

Ex's

2007-12-18T11:50:00.000-05:00

Well as all know I am divorced. My first husband was the evil-demonic man that abused me and my daughter and haunts us to this day. My second marriage was annulled and then there is the famous last marriage.

The second was annulled because of the fact we shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. We both were trying to substitute for someone else. I thought my daughter needed a father and he just liked being married and wanted a family again (his wife left him for another woman).

The famous marriage of number 3 was famous because I actually married him for love. I truly loved being with him and he and I were best friends. The problem was that he didn't know how to keep his zipper zipped.

I was in the wheelchair during my 3rd marriage so my lawyer was having me keep a journal of everything that was going on around me so that I could prove that even though my legs didn't work didn't mean I wasn't aware of life that was happening. At the time I wasn't aware that he was following my husband because he was aware of the infidelity. I kept the journal as I was asked and every time I suspected that he had been with someone I would put it in my date book, look at our cell phone statements to see who he had called that day, wrote all that down and wrote down how he acted when he got home. I am one of those people who has to have all the facts before I confront you. Well the truth confronted me one day when I found him in my bed with a "so called" friend of mine. It didn't seem funny at the time but now that I look at how things played out, it is hilarious. Once all that happened I let my lawyer know so he handed me copies of photos taken of my husband with the different people with the name of the individual as well as the time and date. When my lawyer compared the dates and times on my journal to his dates and times I had everyone of them including 4 times he didn't even have photos of because the PI had mistakenly not given him copies of the pics.

He tried to say that the night I found him in our bed with Alice was the only time it happened but when I gave him the journal he was quite stunned. When I showed him the pictures, he got the picture I wasn't playing games. He didn't want a divorce. He said he wanted us to stay married but have an open relationship. Sorry. Don't work that way. It has been over 5 yrs since my divorce was final and it is still just me by myself. At times it gets lonely but other times I am so thankful for not having the drama that I had with J.

The funny thing is that he isn't over us. Even though he has moved on and gotten married within a year after our divorce. The woman he married actually asked him one day why we got divorced and he told her that he hadn't wanted a divorce if I hadn't demanded it. OK. One J is stupid for telling her that but the truth is why did she ask a question she really didn't want the answer to? Why do people ask questions that they know they will be hurt if the question is answered truthfully? Well she wasn't just stupid enough to ask the why to our divorce but even was stupid enough to ask who his best lover is/was. This is another occasion it isn't wise to tell the woman you married that the previous wife was better/best. J being J just told her and even told her why I was better in bed and out.

We (J, his current wife, and I) still communicate because of Allee (the only dad she has ever really known is J). It makes it really stressful when they come around because his wife won't let him near me or Allee without her being right upon us to make sure he doesn't try anything. She doesn't realize that when he wants something he figures out around things. For instance when he wants to talk where she don't hear anything......he says he is taking the dogs for a walk or he goes to the bathroom to take care of paperwork. Every time he is around us, he always manages to let me know without her knowledge that he wants me sexually. I feel sorry for her because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is sleeping around on her and it isn't me. I have moved past him but he still remembers what it was like so he keeps trying. BUT in his wife's eyes I am the evil one who is trying to take her husband. Too bad she don't see him for what he is.

So to recap this beautiful blog......................

1. When you are dating or married to someone who has a past........don't ask for the details. It will only cause you heartache.

2. Be aware of your surroundings and the actions of your other half. He things change in behavior, there will always be a reason for the change.

3. Ex's current spouses don't usually trust you when you get around so be prepared for it.

4. Not all marriages are what they seem.

5. Always have your facts before you ever confront someone with an accusation. The old saying is "Accuse me once and I will let it slide. Accuse me a second and I will do it to prove I hadn't lied."

6. Don't ask any questions from an individual that you don't want the truth. Be prepared for anything because some individuals don't know that not answering to protect you is better than the truth at times.

Babies

2007-11-26T14:46:00.000-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that doctors don't know a thing about delivering babies from a person who is still a baby. My daughter is 16. The pregnancy wasn't something planned but it isn't the baby's fault how she came to be. We are making the best of a bad situation. Hence, the name Snowe (means blessed one).

My daughter has been sick continuously since her due date which was Oct 3. UGH!!!!! Yes she is very much past due. But all the doctors see is that she is 16. They aren't concerned about the fact the baby is being over cooked. UGH!! Or the fact that Allee is very sick. The pregnancy has taken such a toll on her body. I am waiting right now for the doctor to call us back and tell us what to do and it feels as if they are taking their good sweet time at it.

She is nauseated, throwing up (dry heaves since she has been throwing up since 2am this morning), ears are ringing, she says she feels as if she is on a roller coaster, her skin is hot to the touch but fever is only 101 so they aren't worried, and severe back pain (back contractions ouch!!). I want to take her to the hospital but Allee keeps saying that she don't want to add to the bills if all they are going to do is send her home. So now we wait on incompetent doctors to return our calls. What doctor office don't open on Mondays??? Apparently here there are many of them.

I am sorry I am venting. I am just scared and don't know what to do so I write when that happens. If I don't write for a few days then you know I finally got Allee to the hospital. Keep an eye on Mother of 3's site and she will let everyone know if Snowe Lynn has made her appearance.

Just life

2007-11-25T12:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I feel as if I have been slacking on here because I haven't written in a couple days like I would like. The problem is my internet, phone, and cable was messed up. It took them from 11 until almost 7 last night and they still aren't finished. The problem seems to be that whoever installed the cable lines in this condo unit didn't do it correct. So, come Wednesday they will be coming in and rewiring the whole thing. UGH!!!!! They have our computer up for now and sometimes my phone is working (not always but sometimes).

They were going to leave us with nothing up but I screamed, hollered and complained before they left. Explaining to them that my daughter does her college online and has a test on Monday that she can't miss (unless she is delivering her baby that is). So, several hours later we have a computer.

We were so aggravated that we got out of the house to calm down a bit. I had won a couple of tickets to see "This Christmas" so we went a head and saw it. I needed it. It was a funny movie. The kicker is that it is realistic. So, that being said...............

1. Cable companies can be pains in the butt but eventually they will get the job done (sounds like government workers. hehehehe)

2. A good movie to make you forget you problems and enjoy a good laugh is "This Christmas".

3. I will get out a complete meal of recipes later today/early tomorrow to make up for no recipes yesterday.

Have a great weekend.

Quotes

2007-11-22T08:15:00.001-05:00

Today I was watching a game show and they said a quote that just stood out to me. The guy said that William Shakespeare had said it originally but I didn't believe that that would be something Shakespeare would say. After research I found out that it was Joseph Ambrose who said it.

The quote is: “Love all, trust few, do harm to none.”

I know I don't love all, so I need to work on that part. I trust only a couple in the world so that part is covered. Most of all I try my best to do no ill will to anyone. Soooooooooooooooo What is the one quote that stands out in your mind that if someone asked you to quote that you can recite word for word and that you believe as it says.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

I wish to send blessings over flowing to all of my friends, old and new.

Take time today to be thankful for
each breath you take for you never know when it will be your last one.
step you walk for there are people in this world who never have been able to walk and those of have lost their ability to walk
success you obtain and not only monetarily either for success is not measured by money alone
and most of all the love of your friends and family. For there are people that would give their life to have just one person to open their arms to say I love you.

Have a great thanksgiving.

$300 cake

2007-11-21T16:43:00.000-05:00

During the holidays there is one favorite desert at our house. $300 cake. I will tell you this though........it is rich. Most people can't eat more than a slice unless they just love chocolate and I really do. :)

INGREDIENTS for the cake itself

2 c. sugar
2 c. self rising flour
1 c. water
1 stick margarine
1 c. wesson oil
4 tbs cocoa
1/2 c. buttermilk
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla

Mix together in large bowl 2 c. sugar and 2 c. flour. Set aside. In saucepan boil 1 minute, 1 c. water, 1 stick margarine, 1 c. wesson oil, and 4 tbs of cocoa. Pour hot mixture over first mixture of dry ingredients and stir well. Then add 1/2 c. buttermilk, 2 eggs, and 1 tsp vanilla.
Pour in greased & floured pan (9x13). Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.

Ingredients for topping

6 tbs milk
5 tbs cocoa
1 stick margarine
1 tsp vanilla
1 box confectioners sugar
1 c. nuts chopped (optional)

Boil 1 minute, 6 tbs of milk, 4 tbs cocoa, 1 stick margarine, and 1 tsp vanilla. Add 1 box of confectioners sugar and 1 c. nuts (optional). Pour this mixture of cake while it is still hot.

The best thing to do is start the topping as you are baking the cake. Also, it will do better if you cut the cake pieces before you pour mixture. That way all the chocolate will even be on the sides of the cake.

This also is better served with a scoop of ice cream. ENJOY!!!

IF you fix this let me know how it goes over. It is a hit at my home. :)

Recipes

2007-11-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

Cookie Recipe

No Bake Chocolate-Peanut-Oatmeal Cookies

This recipe is good for when you don't want to turn on the oven.

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup milk
2 cups white sugar
3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
3 tablespoons crunchy peanut butter 1/2 cup butter
3 cups rolled oats
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

DIRECTIONS:
1. Wipe 1" wide band of butter around the rim of a 3 quart pan to prevent boil-over.
2. Combine milk, sugar, cocoa, butter and peanut butter.
3. Stir and bring to boil over medium heat. Let boil for 1 1/2 minutes, do not stir.
4. Remove from heat. Stir in oats and vanilla. Stir until oats evenly distributed.
5. Drop by teaspoon onto waxed paper. Cool. Makes 4 to 5 dozen.

Cookies

2007-11-18T15:57:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone. I was just wondering if anyone has ever done the cookie trade?? It is where you give out recipes and exchange to one another. I love those kinds of things. Recipes are amazing to exchange so people can try different things.

So, starting tomorrow November the 19th until the new year, I will add a new recipe and a new cookie recipe each day. Just keep an eye on my blogs for those recipes. If you want then you can add your recipes/cookie recipes to those blogs each day as well. If we all do this then we could have some amazing new meals and deserts to start the new year with. Enjoy and look forward to those recipes starting tomorrow.

Tagged

2007-11-18T15:33:00.001-05:00

Well, I have been tagged twice in one blog at that........lol........that I need to make a list of 7 different things weird/crazy/unique about myself.

So, here it goes. And by the way "Mary Poppins" and Kimi..............you both owe me for this. lol hehehehehehehehe

1. I am about to be a grand-mother (any day at that she is late).

2. It don't bother me to sit in a room with no noise and just think. I know that is weird but you know that you did ask for weird things about myself. :)

3. I don't like roller coasters.

4. I had a dog once that was litter box trained. She was soooooooo cute. lol

5. I love to cook and can cook anything you give me a recipe to.

6. Two yrs ago I received 422 mother's day cards. Just because i didn't give birth to that many doesn't mean that that many kids don't think of me as "mom #2". :)

7. I want a house one day that the kitchen/dinning room area is bigger than the living room.

8. I'm not ticklish any part of my body.

9. I don't like Coke. UGH!!!!!!!! If it isn't PEPSI I don't want it.

10. I still believe in Santa Claus

11. I start shopping for Christmas the day after Christmas. So, I am already ready for Christmas except for the gifts for the soon to be grand-baby.

12. If I see a dance routine, I will watch it once, then try it myself and the 3rd time I will have the routine down to a tee. (Sorry Julie that you can't do it. AND she is a choreographer.)

13. I was once a Sunday school teacher. It seems like many moons ago but when I attended a church in NC I was a 2 yr old Sunday school teacher, youth leader, praise and worship team leader, drama teacher, and youth advisor. So, I was a little bit busy. Too bad I have moved so much or I would still be there with that great church.

14. LAST and PLEASE NO MORE TAGS!!! LOL I need a break......................
I would rather watch game shows all day long then to watch sitcoms.

So, I have done the 14 (because two people who I wont' mention their names again hehehehe) even though I should have had to only do 7. Since, I don't know that many people on here the only people I have to tag have already been tagged. Sooooooooooooooooooooo to those who want to respond then you can write me on my comments. I know you have all had to do this too many times yourself. Have a great week,

Christmas

2007-11-18T09:26:00.000-05:00

I love Christmas and everything about it. The movies, the decorations,the giving, the music, just everything about it.

I just realized today just how many traditions I have about Christmas.

Like for instance, I always make sure to have at least 5 things under my tree that don't go to anyone in the house just in case someone we weren't expecting to visit shows up. If no one extra comes then we just have something extra for the house or even to hold on to for next year. I can not stand to open presents and leave someone to having nothing themselves.

I always make sure to have extra food. For some odd reason I end up with at least 5 people extra to eat with us. lol The more the merrier.

We start Christmas plans the day after Halloween. We just moved recently or else our tree would have already been up way before now. (one of our traditions didn't get to be done this year since our move. Tear tear)

Each year everyone that comes to our house gets to pick out a new ornament to put on the tree. We ask them to tell us why they chose their ornament and we put the date and their name on the ornament someway. Then the following year when we put up ornaments we can remember previous years and our friends for their contributions to our Christmas.

Those are just a few of the traditions we have. What are yours???

The Musical Rent

2007-11-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

My daughter and I just finished watching RENT for the hundredth time. It always amazes me how in the movie the way it shows diversity and how people over come those struggles. As different as each of the charachters life styles are they became a family. They had problems but they still overcome those problems when the going got tough.

I only wish that reality was the same. Too many people bolt out of peoples lives the second things go wrong. Then try to reappear the second things are going good. Why is that? Doesn't friendship mean more than a casual glance? Shouldn't we want to be there through good and bad?

I have only had 2 true friends in my life. The one friend died 7 yrs ago on November 15, 2000. This was the one who knew every detail of my life and everyone good and bad in my life. She never judged me and was always straight forward with me no matter what. She never hem hawed to keep from hurting me. She knew that I only wanted the truth and she wanted the same from me. If it hurt the other's feelings then we still knew that we would still be there. We would just need a couple of days to work through what happened.

The other one I have known since I was 12 and even though we had periods we didn't speak (mainly because of our ex's which is another blog altogether) when we saw each other again we started right back where we left off. Being friends in the good and the bad.

That is what being a true friend is all about. Being there for the good the bad, the happy times the sad times, leaning an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. But few people in this world have an opportunity to find that type of relationship with another human being. When things go good who is the first person you want to call? Who do you wish was the person who was with you when it happens? When things are bad who do you call to help you through it? If you can sit
back and think about it you may have that type of person in your life and not even know it. Take time today and let whoever that friend(s) is/are know how much they mean to you. Remember something could happen today/tomorrow/this second and you not have another to let them know.

Thank you Kimi and Cathy for being that friend.

Relationships

2007-11-16T07:56:00.001-05:00

I was recently speaking to an old friend "Jason" that was talking about his conquests he has right now. One of the statements he made got me thinking. That comment was "I am no different in dating now then I was in high school".

Here is what I am thinking............................

That statement is somewhat true for people. The only difference in how people date in the adult years to when they are teenagers is the venue. Instead of McDonald's, a movie and then lovers lane to in the adult life you go to Steak and Ale, a show, and then back to yours/his place. I even had Jason explain the 3 date rule to me. Where as depending on how far he gets will set the stage for the next 3 dates and if there will ever be a 4th (which usually don't happen). Jason is in his late 30's, been married and divorced once, has 2 kids and one day wants to get married again but so far is look at relationships seems to keep him from it. Granted he don't have any problems getting women or even having people tell him no when he wants a "second" go at something but is that a way to live?

I have been married more than once and was cheated on very badly by my 2nd ex-husband. I haven't been out dating much since the marriage ended 7 yrs ago. I don't have to have someone to exist or to feel good about myself. Don't get me wrong I miss the being held, the being a couple part and the connection you have from a relationship but I am not one to jump in the bed with someone after just meeting them and that seems to be what I keep finding that guys expect by the so-called 3rd date.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life single (notice I didn't say alone), but I would rather be single than cheapen myself to have sex when I believe sex is more than just a freebie. I believe it is worth waiting until the relationship is mature enough to handle it.

I guess in a way I am old school. I think that the relationship has to develop before you can add intimacy of sex into the equation. Intimacy isn't just the sexual part either. Just because I don't get to the sexual part off right from the first date doesn't make me a prude. It means I want more than just that. I want true intimacy that comes from a touch, a word, a connection, or a friendship. Since I high school the dating may not have changed but my expectations have. I know what I want and expect in a relationship and I won't settle for less.

Another friend "Jessica" says I should just lower my standards and just have fun. What Jessica doesn't understand is that if I lower my standards then I will just get just that. Nothing more, nothing less, and basically nothing in a relationship.

I wrote a list one time of what I expect from a man and a relationship. There are 10 things that no matter what I won't except anything less on. The funny part is Jessica and I did these lists together and she is in a relationship she hates but don't know how to get out of because she don't want to be alone and it is very unsatisfying. When I asked did she keep to her list she said no. She had to lower expectations. So, now she is the one hurting not the guy. He is content because to Jim he didn't go lower he moved up with Jessica.

So, the purpose of this blog is....................

1. Dating is no different from high school. Just different Venues.

2. Set yourself a list of things that you will not settle less than those, how ever many, things.

3. When you settle for one thing you may be missing something right around the corner that is exactly what you are looking for in the first place.

4. Last but not least...........If you make a list don't put yourself in a position to have to settle for less. If you are an average person then it wouldn't make sense to put you want a millionaire. Be realistic to yourself and with what you want.

Single Parenting

2007-11-13T14:46:00.000-05:00

Well I have a new pet peeve. It is people who think they are better than everyone else just because they were raised with both biological parents.

I have raised my daughter, most of her life, by myself. Yes, I made mistakes but that don't mean I am a bad parent. It makes me human.

In this day and age, you can't find a single person who doesn't have a child or at least been married at least once that is over 25. In some cases younger. Our society has made it so simple to get a divorce that people don't try to make a marriage last. I actually had a friend who made sure that they didn't word it for better or worse, sicker or poorer, until death do you part in her wedding vows. She explained to me that was too much of a contract for her to give her life for a man. UGH!!!!!!!! Tammy was raised by both her biological parents and said that she saw how much her mom was such a subordinate to her father and didn't want that for herself. Tammy made her marriage last for a whole 5 yrs (longer than most these days) but got divorced because she wanted a life and not just live through her husband. Tammy and I both agree that men and women are equals and there for should be partners. Not one that is more superior than the other. We are not living in the 40-50's when June Cleaver made sure her husband had the meal on the table when he walked in the door saying Honey I am home. We are now in the age when microwaves work, restaurants are always open, there is a TV in almost every room and both parents have to work to pay the bills.

The main purpose of this blog is to say:

1. Every person is an equal. No matter what your sex, no matter your skin tone, and no matter if you were raised by one parent, a grand-parent, 2 parents, or an orphanage.

2. Just because you have 2 parents (biological or otherwise) doesn't mean you are better than anyone else. You just had two people to help raise you. And sometimes that isn't even true.

3. Don't judge a book by how they look, how they were raised, who raised them, where they live(d), their income or anything else like that. Just accept people for who they are as an individual. Good or bad, accept who they are.

4. Assuming the worst about a person before you get to know the person is wrong.

Well, I am done venting for the day.

Home

2007-11-12T11:17:00.000-05:00

I have always heard home is where the heart is. Unfortunately I don't know where my heart is so does that mean I have no home? I can truly say I have lived all over the US. There aren't many states left for me to go to that I haven't been to already. The only problem is that there isn't one single place that I have lived that I felt at home.

Someone asked me the other day where was home to me. I said I don't know. He then said he meant where was I raised and that that is where home is suppose to be.

My problem is that I never felt at home where I was raised. I have tried to go back to my birthplace but within a very short time I realize that I don't belong there.

I had this conversation with an ex recently when he asked about how I feel about the new place I live in. He told me that he knew me well enough to know that I if I don't feel like I belong I won't last long at that location. He was right (and that takes a great deal for me to admit to him never the less to myself). My daughter has attended 48 schools from the time she was in Kindergarten until she was in 7th grade. That isn't good and I know it. Because we moved so much she loves moving now. I wish I could take back having moved so much but I can't. There is only one person and one injury to blame. I take the responsibility for the moves but my reasoning always led back to my ex-husband and/or my injury from work. either I needed to move to hide from K or I had to move to get a new doctor. The problem is now since I moved so much I have no connection to anything/anybody besides my daughter. Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter with all of my heart but isn't there more to life then just existing?

Well, sorry about the venting in this blog. I was just thinking and needed to put it down so I could stop thinking.

Have a great day,
Lost my heart in......................................

My story

2007-10-02T09:49:00.000-04:00

I will start by giving you an idea why most people don't know a great deal about me. I have been in a relationship that was abusive. So, I know what it is like to watch over my shoulder. I can not count how many times I have heard....why didn't you just leave, why did you let him do that, why, why, why.

Everyone has their own reasons for staying. I endured that relationship, the abuse,and the jealousy because I was scared. When you have someone constantly tell you that they are the only one that will ever love you, that you are ugly, and that you are nothing without them you finally start believing it. Your self esteem becomes nothing, so you believe everything they say. I have had guns stuck to my head, knives to my throat, 198 stitches on my body, knocked unconscious (from being beaten more than I can count on my hands and feet), locked into closets for days (because I did something I wasn't suppose to) and nothing left to give after being with K. He even went as far as to tell me that if I left him he would find me and kill me. So, scared became me inside and out. I would hide behind big clothes so I people wouldn't see me and no one would even remember me. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited but then worried about what type of life it would be to be in this environment. I didn't have to worry for long though. K came up to me and told me to choose him or the baby. He had scheduled me for an abortion and if I didn't get rid of the child then I best be gone when he got home from work.

I made arrangements to be gone when he left. It was the best decision I made in my life. It took me a year of fighting in courts to keep him from my child and me but the last time I saw him was May 17, 1993. To explain how possessive he was/is, he told the judge that if he ever finds me with another man he will kill me and the man for touching his wife. The courts protected me that day by placing a protective order from him.

I moved a great deal for a while. As a matter of fact, probably more than I should have. Always looking over my shoulder when I walked out a door or got near my car. My reason for saying all of this is this.......I have now gotten to a place in my life that I feel good about me, where I am and where I am going. I don't have to have anyone in my life. I choose to. I choose who I have as friends, where I go, what I do and with whom. I do look over my shoulder. Even though I know I can do what it takes to defend myself and my daughter, I don't want to take any chances.

I gave birth to my daughter but she gave me life. She gave me reason to live and to fight.
I can't express enough how hard it is on a person (adult or child) to receive a harsh word or abusive touch. I assure you that I would have rather received the touch more than the words and mental abusive. Bodily scars heal, internal scars take time to heal.

I tend to write when I need to get emotions and feelings out. The following poem is what I wrote one day when I was just trying to deal with what had happened and get it off my chest. For some odd reason, people don't want to hear about things like this so my only way of getting it off my chest is to write. The thing is that I just got my clarity of safety within the past year. So the poem was written a few months ago. Maybe it will help someone else get the clarity they need to move pass the past and live and enjoy today. I know I deserve to be loved where a hand isn't raised or belittling isn't a daily occurance. I have a great deal to offer someone and know that there is someone somewhere that is looking for me to share their life as well. Always think before you act. Your actions tend to speak louder than your words.

Your touch!
When we started dating each other.
I believed that I could never be with another.
Your touch meant so much to me.
I never imagined that was the way it could be.
My emotions would explode with your caress.
I would be so excited I couldnt rest.
Then you started to change in front of my eyes.
All of your words, emotions, and touches were just lies.
You were no longer my dream come true.
My only nightmares were happening when I was alone with you.
I no longer felt love in your touch.
The hand that once caressed me was hurting me so much.
The voice that once would cause my heart to skip.
Have now said words that felt like a whip.
You not only hurt me on the outside but on the inside too.
And it was you that showed me how much harm a touch can do.
As months turned to years and years into a decade
The memory of your touch has started to fade.
You no longer control my life in the same way.
Because now the dream of finding true love is growing stronger each day.