After my first marriage I decided to never be dependent on anyone but myself. If I have you in my life it is because I choose to have you there not because I have to have you there. There are a few that I would like to be apart of my life but at the moment it is not possible not from my part but theirs except one. My grand-daughter. I would love to have her part of my day to day life but it has almost been 4 months since my daughter has let me see her. It hurts more and more each day. You would think it would become easier but it is not. I do my best to still enjoy life and make memories that I can one day share with my grand-daughter. When I go to things (like the zoo, a Nascar Race, etc) I constantly think Snowe would love this.....this would make Snowe laugh.......Snowe would........the list goes on and on. Sooooooo I take lots and lots and lots of pictures so when I see her I can show her. It is the second best thing to being there. I actually had someone tell me that they didn't need to go to the Zoo because I had a pic (at least two) of every animal there. lol Sometimes you just have to deal with the life the best you know how. Just because one part of your life isn't the way you want it to be does not mean that you have to stop living. It is the small things that you can do that make you happy that can help you handle the parts that are not perfect. While life is not perfect, we have to do what it is that keeps us reaching for perfection. My life would be perfect if my daughter, grand-daughter, and grand-son would be part of my life but I know that Allee no longer wants in my life and as for the grand-babies............Aiden don't know me and Snowe will one day be back in my life. I have to fight daily to keep living because there will be a day that I can have them part of my life and I want to be able to show them that I love them enough to keep living and taking photos so they could share in some of the days that made me happy.
I know photography isn't everyones cup of tea or even writing but these two outlets are my only forms of expression that allow me to see things for what they are and for me to express how I see life, a situation or even deal with my feelings. When I look through the lens of a camera I see things differently than what someone else may see. I see not just what it is at that moment but what I will see in years to come from looking at the photo. The life. The realness. The fun. When I write, I put into words what I am feeling that I can not express in life and sometimes it is a release of things that weigh on my mind or subconcious that I have yet to realize myself. I force myself to never rewrite what I am thinking because then I over think and how I am truly feeling does not get expressed. So like it or not I am who I am. My life can be seen in my writing and my photos. If you happen to be someone I choose to be in my life then you can also see my feelings, emotions, and strength in my eyes. (Told that by every person who ever knew me.)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Catching up
It has been several years since I have written on here. So I am going to just catch up on the past 3 years.
Allee got pregnant again by a guy that is sooooooo abusive by the name of Rob. Aiden was born on Feb 8, 2010. I truly don't know much about Aiden because I have not seen him since July 2010. That being said....I think I need to explain. In June and again in August, Rob physically abused Snowe. While the courts gave David (Snowe's biological father) custody in November they state that he has to remain in FL to get custody of Snowe. I now live in NC to help him with all the leg work to get Snowe safe. Allee refused to allow me to see Snowe since I supported David in getting Snowe so there was no use in living in FL anymore. For some odd reason she has remained with Rob even though he is verbally and physically abusive to her and Snowe as well. So far I have not heard of any physical abuse to Aiden but I really don't know. I thought that by us always getting away from Kevin (my first husband) that Allee would see that no person should ever lay a hand on you. I guess she isn't as strong as tried to get her. Some individuals feel as if they have to have a man in their life and that they don't deserve any better than an abusive ignorant jerk. While Allee is very book smart, she has shown me in the past year that book smarts does not make you intelligent.
Strength is something that we all strive for on a daily basis. While we each have our strengths on things, strength within is the hardest to obtain. I understand how much it takes to stand up on your own two feet and not allow someone else to "control" my every move, thought, or emotion. After having Kevin (ex) as my husband I learned that I can be strong without needing to be validated by a man that I am someone. I raised Allee with strength that I want the best for my child and I only depended on myself to do so. When Snowe was born I found an even stronger strength to protect and to nurture in a different way than I did with Allee. Now I cry every day for fear of what is happening to Snowe. There is nothing I can do for Allee now because in her words "your a bitch and it will be a cold day in hell before I ever speak to you outside of court". I know for now she will have to get pass her hatred for me before I can ever be anything more than just a "bitch" to her. She is over 18 so I have no more control of what she does. I can only pray that one day she will see Rob for who he is (which by the way his criminal record goes as far back as 10+_ years and all includes drugs and assault/death/abuse.) As for Aiden.......while he will always be my grand-son, he probably not know me except from whatever Snowe tells him.
As much as I want to say that we control how our children grow up, I can't. Our best intentions can only go so far with them. Our mistakes are not always mistakes for them. What is a good choice for you does not mean it will be good for them. No matter how much we love them, it does not control how they see love or how they love. I told Allee every day I love her and that I am proud of her. I taught her that she should not rely on anyone to make her happy and to always put family first. Instead, she allows one abusive man to control her every move, thought, and emotion. We can only support our children and give them the tools they need to survive and live. If our children head down the wrong road, we don't stop loving them. We just have to continue showing them love and help guide them in the right direction.
Well that is enough for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoy your families. You never know how one of their decisions may change the relationship you have now.
Allee got pregnant again by a guy that is sooooooo abusive by the name of Rob. Aiden was born on Feb 8, 2010. I truly don't know much about Aiden because I have not seen him since July 2010. That being said....I think I need to explain. In June and again in August, Rob physically abused Snowe. While the courts gave David (Snowe's biological father) custody in November they state that he has to remain in FL to get custody of Snowe. I now live in NC to help him with all the leg work to get Snowe safe. Allee refused to allow me to see Snowe since I supported David in getting Snowe so there was no use in living in FL anymore. For some odd reason she has remained with Rob even though he is verbally and physically abusive to her and Snowe as well. So far I have not heard of any physical abuse to Aiden but I really don't know. I thought that by us always getting away from Kevin (my first husband) that Allee would see that no person should ever lay a hand on you. I guess she isn't as strong as tried to get her. Some individuals feel as if they have to have a man in their life and that they don't deserve any better than an abusive ignorant jerk. While Allee is very book smart, she has shown me in the past year that book smarts does not make you intelligent.
Strength is something that we all strive for on a daily basis. While we each have our strengths on things, strength within is the hardest to obtain. I understand how much it takes to stand up on your own two feet and not allow someone else to "control" my every move, thought, or emotion. After having Kevin (ex) as my husband I learned that I can be strong without needing to be validated by a man that I am someone. I raised Allee with strength that I want the best for my child and I only depended on myself to do so. When Snowe was born I found an even stronger strength to protect and to nurture in a different way than I did with Allee. Now I cry every day for fear of what is happening to Snowe. There is nothing I can do for Allee now because in her words "your a bitch and it will be a cold day in hell before I ever speak to you outside of court". I know for now she will have to get pass her hatred for me before I can ever be anything more than just a "bitch" to her. She is over 18 so I have no more control of what she does. I can only pray that one day she will see Rob for who he is (which by the way his criminal record goes as far back as 10+_ years and all includes drugs and assault/death/abuse.) As for Aiden.......while he will always be my grand-son, he probably not know me except from whatever Snowe tells him.
As much as I want to say that we control how our children grow up, I can't. Our best intentions can only go so far with them. Our mistakes are not always mistakes for them. What is a good choice for you does not mean it will be good for them. No matter how much we love them, it does not control how they see love or how they love. I told Allee every day I love her and that I am proud of her. I taught her that she should not rely on anyone to make her happy and to always put family first. Instead, she allows one abusive man to control her every move, thought, and emotion. We can only support our children and give them the tools they need to survive and live. If our children head down the wrong road, we don't stop loving them. We just have to continue showing them love and help guide them in the right direction.
Well that is enough for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoy your families. You never know how one of their decisions may change the relationship you have now.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
January 27th
Well today is my birthday and on this particular day I look back on what I have done over the past year, goals achieved, goals set, etc.
Here is what I come up with this year...............
1. I have moved 10 times in the past year. PLUS I am moving this week. UGH!!!!!!
2. I have come to the conclusion that Sherry no longer exists. If it isn't Mom, I am Nana. I am not complaining because I love both of those names and all it intels. BUT when your neighbors think that your real name is Mom or Nana then there might be a problem. lol
3. Ex's can be jerks and make you jump hoops to escape them (and their current spouses)
4. I have traveled by cab, train, bus, car, truck, plain, boat, UHAUL, and last but not least horse over the last year. (the donkey don't count because I wasn't really going anywhere on it. lol)
5. I have been to 2 hockey games, 2 baseball games, gatorbowl, 1 bike rally (Daytona), Pepsi 500, and went to a dance competition. So I have watched new sports in the last year as well as some I have been to before. It is definitely better to see sports in person than on TV.
6. I have watched my grand-child be born and got to cut the umbilical cord. YIPPEE!!
7. I have been cussed at by 3 people this year. Once by an old friend (no longer a friend long story read #8.), once by someone who hurt Allee (I yelled back.), and the last was in writing by someone by the name of Tracy.
8. Lost a friendship that I have had since Allee was 1 1/2 yrs old. This was due to him not taking his medications so his blood pressure made him start yelling and getting him mad over a hairbrush he couldn't find. I have tried to have a conversation since then but he is too proud to even admit that he was wrong in what he said plus some of what he said is hard to forget. So, one lost friendship over a brush.
9. I have dealt with the CPS (child protective services), police investigators, Children advocates, and DSS (Department of Social Services.) All of those because someone by the name of S.... felt that she would be better raising my child then I am and that my grand-daughter didn't deserve us. They have told me that I was a great a mom/nana and that the allegations established by S.... were unsubstantiated and falsified. That they wish all parents took as much care and interest as I did. If S.... makes another complaint that can not be verified then she will be charged with deplomation of charachter and falsified police report. It seems there is a new law into affect that charges people (jail time of 5 yrs) if they consistently make reports on people when there isn't a problem in the first place. It was established due to someone who had kept complaining about a family mistreating a child because she didn't like the mom. Since they are required by law to verify every call they were verifying one of her calls when another child was killed because they didn't have enough man hours to get to the real complaints that day.
10. I have had 2 short stories printed this year.
11. I found some old friends that I didn't think even remembered me and that showed me that I did make a difference when I was in junior and high school.
12. Learned that I can talk on the phone, make a bottle, and hold the baby at the same time. lol
13. I am one step closer in achieving my goal to becoming a professional photographer.
14. Learned that I still love my ex Jim but I am not in love with him. I love him for the friendship he and I had once. I only want happiness for him but I am afraid he doesn't know how to find it.
15. I am happy with it being just me, Allee, and Snowe. I do miss having someone in my life to hold me and that I connect with (been divorced for 7 yrs should know) but honestly I am content with how things are right now.
Well, I guess that pretty much sums up my year. It has been an emotional, Chaotic year, physically exhausting, and all around ................ok year. Allee is healthier and we have a new addition to the family. It makes all of the other stuff not mean as much (except for the friendships).
So, Have a great 2008. I plan on it.
Here is what I come up with this year...............
1. I have moved 10 times in the past year. PLUS I am moving this week. UGH!!!!!!
2. I have come to the conclusion that Sherry no longer exists. If it isn't Mom, I am Nana. I am not complaining because I love both of those names and all it intels. BUT when your neighbors think that your real name is Mom or Nana then there might be a problem. lol
3. Ex's can be jerks and make you jump hoops to escape them (and their current spouses)
4. I have traveled by cab, train, bus, car, truck, plain, boat, UHAUL, and last but not least horse over the last year. (the donkey don't count because I wasn't really going anywhere on it. lol)
5. I have been to 2 hockey games, 2 baseball games, gatorbowl, 1 bike rally (Daytona), Pepsi 500, and went to a dance competition. So I have watched new sports in the last year as well as some I have been to before. It is definitely better to see sports in person than on TV.
6. I have watched my grand-child be born and got to cut the umbilical cord. YIPPEE!!
7. I have been cussed at by 3 people this year. Once by an old friend (no longer a friend long story read #8.), once by someone who hurt Allee (I yelled back.), and the last was in writing by someone by the name of Tracy.
8. Lost a friendship that I have had since Allee was 1 1/2 yrs old. This was due to him not taking his medications so his blood pressure made him start yelling and getting him mad over a hairbrush he couldn't find. I have tried to have a conversation since then but he is too proud to even admit that he was wrong in what he said plus some of what he said is hard to forget. So, one lost friendship over a brush.
9. I have dealt with the CPS (child protective services), police investigators, Children advocates, and DSS (Department of Social Services.) All of those because someone by the name of S.... felt that she would be better raising my child then I am and that my grand-daughter didn't deserve us. They have told me that I was a great a mom/nana and that the allegations established by S.... were unsubstantiated and falsified. That they wish all parents took as much care and interest as I did. If S.... makes another complaint that can not be verified then she will be charged with deplomation of charachter and falsified police report. It seems there is a new law into affect that charges people (jail time of 5 yrs) if they consistently make reports on people when there isn't a problem in the first place. It was established due to someone who had kept complaining about a family mistreating a child because she didn't like the mom. Since they are required by law to verify every call they were verifying one of her calls when another child was killed because they didn't have enough man hours to get to the real complaints that day.
10. I have had 2 short stories printed this year.
11. I found some old friends that I didn't think even remembered me and that showed me that I did make a difference when I was in junior and high school.
12. Learned that I can talk on the phone, make a bottle, and hold the baby at the same time. lol
13. I am one step closer in achieving my goal to becoming a professional photographer.
14. Learned that I still love my ex Jim but I am not in love with him. I love him for the friendship he and I had once. I only want happiness for him but I am afraid he doesn't know how to find it.
15. I am happy with it being just me, Allee, and Snowe. I do miss having someone in my life to hold me and that I connect with (been divorced for 7 yrs should know) but honestly I am content with how things are right now.
Well, I guess that pretty much sums up my year. It has been an emotional, Chaotic year, physically exhausting, and all around ................ok year. Allee is healthier and we have a new addition to the family. It makes all of the other stuff not mean as much (except for the friendships).
So, Have a great 2008. I plan on it.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Deleting certain blogs
When I first started writing here no one knew what I look like or even what my daughter looked like. Since then I have posted a few pictures but not that many. The reason is...this is my outlet. This is a place where I can vent, yell, praise, whatever I want and not feel as if someone who knows me personally will go running their mouth.
Well, someone found my site and saw where I was telling the facts about my life. They weren't so nice in the email they sent to me. It goes something like this (Copied from the email not my words)................
"You are a piece of shit for putting online the facts of your life. What happened in your life should never have been told. What if your ex's family found out the truth about your marriage? Don't you know you are affecting his life now that you are telling people what happened? YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A BITCH WHO SHOULD SUFFER!!!! Tracy"
Well, guess who that was.......the current companion of my first ex-husband. The woman who stood back and watched as he abused my daughter and who stands as he tells his friends and family that she is just a girlfriend and will always be married to me.
I had to delete all photos that were on my site that pertained to the girls and me. This is for our safety. For those who want pictures that I know then give me an email and I will send them but from this day forward there will not be any pictures on this site of us.
To Tracy.........you have been with a man that has hurt his children, abused everyone who has come his way, and one day you will see that the things he does to you are not going to end. Standing by a man that will beat you, put you down, tells you that I am still his wife, etc will never be the man you really want him to be. I hope one day you will see the real Kevin and I hope you are able to live to tell about it.
Well, someone found my site and saw where I was telling the facts about my life. They weren't so nice in the email they sent to me. It goes something like this (Copied from the email not my words)................
"You are a piece of shit for putting online the facts of your life. What happened in your life should never have been told. What if your ex's family found out the truth about your marriage? Don't you know you are affecting his life now that you are telling people what happened? YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A BITCH WHO SHOULD SUFFER!!!! Tracy"
Well, guess who that was.......the current companion of my first ex-husband. The woman who stood back and watched as he abused my daughter and who stands as he tells his friends and family that she is just a girlfriend and will always be married to me.
I had to delete all photos that were on my site that pertained to the girls and me. This is for our safety. For those who want pictures that I know then give me an email and I will send them but from this day forward there will not be any pictures on this site of us.
To Tracy.........you have been with a man that has hurt his children, abused everyone who has come his way, and one day you will see that the things he does to you are not going to end. Standing by a man that will beat you, put you down, tells you that I am still his wife, etc will never be the man you really want him to be. I hope one day you will see the real Kevin and I hope you are able to live to tell about it.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Postings
Well I am getting aggravated. I have been trying to post some blogs this week but every single time I think it is posted it isn't until several days later. UGH!!!!!! I am so aggravated with this. I guess I don't have the patience this week to withstand it. lol
So, if you notice that there are new blogs and they are dated from earlier in the past two weeks. then I am sorry. It isn't me.
Just needed to vent for a few.
So, if you notice that there are new blogs and they are dated from earlier in the past two weeks. then I am sorry. It isn't me.
Just needed to vent for a few.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
My brain
| Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male |
 Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve |
Friday, December 28, 2007
friends
Have you ever had a friend that when things are going good they are there for you all the time but when things aren't great you can't seem to reach them? Or the other kind of friend that the only time you hear from them is when they need something? Or maybe the kind that no matter what is going on they have it worst?
I have a "friend" that the only time I ever hear from them is when their life don't have a man, they have no one else to talk to, AND they need something. We will call her Ashley. The second I hear her voice I know what is coming next. Since the day I met her (about 10 yrs ago), I am the one that she calls when nothing is going good and she needs to confirm that her life is perfect in every way.
She is a beautiful woman on the outside but on the inside she has got a great many issues with needing to be told that she is good, beautiful, needed, etc. I know word for word almost how the conversation will go. First she will ask how I am doing, then she will say things aren't that great for her and that she is alone again. After she goes through what has happened since the last call which usually takes about 20 minutes because I haven't heard from her in about 6 months to a year. This time she told of her trips to Paris with some guy named Chris who didn't give her everything she needed (which is why she is alone again). She will sigh a couple times then she will say so what is going on with you. This time I explained about Allee and the baby. She will say you know I feel for you but I am so glad my life is better than yours. She'll wait about 2 minutes then say "Well, I need to go. I have friends coming over so I will call you back sometime this weekend so we can see when we can get together for dinner or something." I won't hear from her for another 6 months to a year. Why do I put up with it? I know the way it is going to be with her. Yet I still answer her call and I still call her a friend. I do this because I know who she is and I know what to expect. She doesn't do anything different. I know that she is a good person but she was taught to always have a man around to be happy and since I have known her I am the one that helps her stabilize so to speak after a break-up. It don't hurt me and it helps her so I continue with her break-up calls.
We all have a friend that we call when things are bad that we count on being there for us. We have those that we know that when the going gets tough not to call unless things are going well and they don't have to be supportive. But there are only a couple of people that we can count on to be there thick or thin, good or bad, that will tell us the truth at all cost, and that even when we get mad at them it doesn't stop us from loving them. I have been fortunate enough to have 2 people in my life like that. No matter if our calls aren't everyday, I know when we talk again it is just like I spoke to her yesterday.
This world has gotten where friendships are taken for granted and used instead of treasured.
Today take a minute to call your friends and just let them know you were thinking about them. A gesture from you could change that person from a sometime friend to a good friend.
Have a great week.
I have a "friend" that the only time I ever hear from them is when their life don't have a man, they have no one else to talk to, AND they need something. We will call her Ashley. The second I hear her voice I know what is coming next. Since the day I met her (about 10 yrs ago), I am the one that she calls when nothing is going good and she needs to confirm that her life is perfect in every way.
She is a beautiful woman on the outside but on the inside she has got a great many issues with needing to be told that she is good, beautiful, needed, etc. I know word for word almost how the conversation will go. First she will ask how I am doing, then she will say things aren't that great for her and that she is alone again. After she goes through what has happened since the last call which usually takes about 20 minutes because I haven't heard from her in about 6 months to a year. This time she told of her trips to Paris with some guy named Chris who didn't give her everything she needed (which is why she is alone again). She will sigh a couple times then she will say so what is going on with you. This time I explained about Allee and the baby. She will say you know I feel for you but I am so glad my life is better than yours. She'll wait about 2 minutes then say "Well, I need to go. I have friends coming over so I will call you back sometime this weekend so we can see when we can get together for dinner or something." I won't hear from her for another 6 months to a year. Why do I put up with it? I know the way it is going to be with her. Yet I still answer her call and I still call her a friend. I do this because I know who she is and I know what to expect. She doesn't do anything different. I know that she is a good person but she was taught to always have a man around to be happy and since I have known her I am the one that helps her stabilize so to speak after a break-up. It don't hurt me and it helps her so I continue with her break-up calls.
We all have a friend that we call when things are bad that we count on being there for us. We have those that we know that when the going gets tough not to call unless things are going well and they don't have to be supportive. But there are only a couple of people that we can count on to be there thick or thin, good or bad, that will tell us the truth at all cost, and that even when we get mad at them it doesn't stop us from loving them. I have been fortunate enough to have 2 people in my life like that. No matter if our calls aren't everyday, I know when we talk again it is just like I spoke to her yesterday.
This world has gotten where friendships are taken for granted and used instead of treasured.
Today take a minute to call your friends and just let them know you were thinking about them. A gesture from you could change that person from a sometime friend to a good friend.
Have a great week.
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