My story

I will start by giving you an idea why most people don't know a great deal about me. I have been in a relationship that was abusive. So, I know what it is like to watch over my shoulder. I can not count how many times I have heard....why didn't you just leave, why did you let him do that, why, why, why.

Everyone has their own reasons for staying. I endured that relationship, the abuse,and the jealousy because I was scared. When you have someone constantly tell you that they are the only one that will ever love you, that you are ugly, and that you are nothing without them you finally start believing it. Your self esteem becomes nothing, so you believe everything they say. I have had guns stuck to my head, knives to my throat, 198 stitches on my body, knocked unconscious (from being beaten more than I can count on my hands and feet), locked into closets for days (because I did something I wasn't suppose to) and nothing left to give after being with K. He even went as far as to tell me that if I left him he would find me and kill me. So, scared became me inside and out. I would hide behind big clothes so I people wouldn't see me and no one would even remember me. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited but then worried about what type of life it would be to be in this environment. I didn't have to worry for long though. K came up to me and told me to choose him or the baby. He had scheduled me for an abortion and if I didn't get rid of the child then I best be gone when he got home from work.

I made arrangements to be gone when he left. It was the best decision I made in my life. It took me a year of fighting in courts to keep him from my child and me but the last time I saw him was May 17, 1993. To explain how possessive he was/is, he told the judge that if he ever finds me with another man he will kill me and the man for touching his wife. The courts protected me that day by placing a protective order from him.

I moved a great deal for a while. As a matter of fact, probably more than I should have. Always looking over my shoulder when I walked out a door or got near my car. My reason for saying all of this is this.......I have now gotten to a place in my life that I feel good about me, where I am and where I am going. I don't have to have anyone in my life. I choose to. I choose who I have as friends, where I go, what I do and with whom. I do look over my shoulder. Even though I know I can do what it takes to defend myself and my daughter, I don't want to take any chances.

I gave birth to my daughter but she gave me life. She gave me reason to live and to fight.
I can't express enough how hard it is on a person (adult or child) to receive a harsh word or abusive touch. I assure you that I would have rather received the touch more than the words and mental abusive. Bodily scars heal, internal scars take time to heal.

I tend to write when I need to get emotions and feelings out. The following poem is what I wrote one day when I was just trying to deal with what had happened and get it off my chest. For some odd reason, people don't want to hear about things like this so my only way of getting it off my chest is to write. The thing is that I just got my clarity of safety within the past year. So the poem was written a few months ago. Maybe it will help someone else get the clarity they need to move pass the past and live and enjoy today. I know I deserve to be loved where a hand isn't raised or belittling isn't a daily occurance. I have a great deal to offer someone and know that there is someone somewhere that is looking for me to share their life as well. Always think before you act. Your actions tend to speak louder than your words.

Your touch!
When we started dating each other.
I believed that I could never be with another.
Your touch meant so much to me.
I never imagined that was the way it could be.
My emotions would explode with your caress.
I would be so excited I couldnt rest.
Then you started to change in front of my eyes.
All of your words, emotions, and touches were just lies.
You were no longer my dream come true.
My only nightmares were happening when I was alone with you.
I no longer felt love in your touch.
The hand that once caressed me was hurting me so much.
The voice that once would cause my heart to skip.
Have now said words that felt like a whip.
You not only hurt me on the outside but on the inside too.
And it was you that showed me how much harm a touch can do.
As months turned to years and years into a decade
The memory of your touch has started to fade.
You no longer control my life in the same way.
Because now the dream of finding true love is growing stronger each day.