After my first marriage I decided to never be dependent on anyone but myself. If I have you in my life it is because I choose to have you there not because I have to have you there. There are a few that I would like to be apart of my life but at the moment it is not possible not from my part but theirs except one. My grand-daughter. I would love to have her part of my day to day life but it has almost been 4 months since my daughter has let me see her. It hurts more and more each day. You would think it would become easier but it is not. I do my best to still enjoy life and make memories that I can one day share with my grand-daughter. When I go to things (like the zoo, a Nascar Race, etc) I constantly think Snowe would love this.....this would make Snowe laugh.......Snowe would........the list goes on and on. Sooooooo I take lots and lots and lots of pictures so when I see her I can show her. It is the second best thing to being there. I actually had someone tell me that they didn't need to go to the Zoo because I had a pic (at least two) of every animal there. lol Sometimes you just have to deal with the life the best you know how. Just because one part of your life isn't the way you want it to be does not mean that you have to stop living. It is the small things that you can do that make you happy that can help you handle the parts that are not perfect. While life is not perfect, we have to do what it is that keeps us reaching for perfection. My life would be perfect if my daughter, grand-daughter, and grand-son would be part of my life but I know that Allee no longer wants in my life and as for the grand-babies............Aiden don't know me and Snowe will one day be back in my life. I have to fight daily to keep living because there will be a day that I can have them part of my life and I want to be able to show them that I love them enough to keep living and taking photos so they could share in some of the days that made me happy.
I know photography isn't everyones cup of tea or even writing but these two outlets are my only forms of expression that allow me to see things for what they are and for me to express how I see life, a situation or even deal with my feelings. When I look through the lens of a camera I see things differently than what someone else may see. I see not just what it is at that moment but what I will see in years to come from looking at the photo. The life. The realness. The fun. When I write, I put into words what I am feeling that I can not express in life and sometimes it is a release of things that weigh on my mind or subconcious that I have yet to realize myself. I force myself to never rewrite what I am thinking because then I over think and how I am truly feeling does not get expressed. So like it or not I am who I am. My life can be seen in my writing and my photos. If you happen to be someone I choose to be in my life then you can also see my feelings, emotions, and strength in my eyes. (Told that by every person who ever knew me.)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Catching up
It has been several years since I have written on here. So I am going to just catch up on the past 3 years.
Allee got pregnant again by a guy that is sooooooo abusive by the name of Rob. Aiden was born on Feb 8, 2010. I truly don't know much about Aiden because I have not seen him since July 2010. That being said....I think I need to explain. In June and again in August, Rob physically abused Snowe. While the courts gave David (Snowe's biological father) custody in November they state that he has to remain in FL to get custody of Snowe. I now live in NC to help him with all the leg work to get Snowe safe. Allee refused to allow me to see Snowe since I supported David in getting Snowe so there was no use in living in FL anymore. For some odd reason she has remained with Rob even though he is verbally and physically abusive to her and Snowe as well. So far I have not heard of any physical abuse to Aiden but I really don't know. I thought that by us always getting away from Kevin (my first husband) that Allee would see that no person should ever lay a hand on you. I guess she isn't as strong as tried to get her. Some individuals feel as if they have to have a man in their life and that they don't deserve any better than an abusive ignorant jerk. While Allee is very book smart, she has shown me in the past year that book smarts does not make you intelligent.
Strength is something that we all strive for on a daily basis. While we each have our strengths on things, strength within is the hardest to obtain. I understand how much it takes to stand up on your own two feet and not allow someone else to "control" my every move, thought, or emotion. After having Kevin (ex) as my husband I learned that I can be strong without needing to be validated by a man that I am someone. I raised Allee with strength that I want the best for my child and I only depended on myself to do so. When Snowe was born I found an even stronger strength to protect and to nurture in a different way than I did with Allee. Now I cry every day for fear of what is happening to Snowe. There is nothing I can do for Allee now because in her words "your a bitch and it will be a cold day in hell before I ever speak to you outside of court". I know for now she will have to get pass her hatred for me before I can ever be anything more than just a "bitch" to her. She is over 18 so I have no more control of what she does. I can only pray that one day she will see Rob for who he is (which by the way his criminal record goes as far back as 10+_ years and all includes drugs and assault/death/abuse.) As for Aiden.......while he will always be my grand-son, he probably not know me except from whatever Snowe tells him.
As much as I want to say that we control how our children grow up, I can't. Our best intentions can only go so far with them. Our mistakes are not always mistakes for them. What is a good choice for you does not mean it will be good for them. No matter how much we love them, it does not control how they see love or how they love. I told Allee every day I love her and that I am proud of her. I taught her that she should not rely on anyone to make her happy and to always put family first. Instead, she allows one abusive man to control her every move, thought, and emotion. We can only support our children and give them the tools they need to survive and live. If our children head down the wrong road, we don't stop loving them. We just have to continue showing them love and help guide them in the right direction.
Well that is enough for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoy your families. You never know how one of their decisions may change the relationship you have now.
Allee got pregnant again by a guy that is sooooooo abusive by the name of Rob. Aiden was born on Feb 8, 2010. I truly don't know much about Aiden because I have not seen him since July 2010. That being said....I think I need to explain. In June and again in August, Rob physically abused Snowe. While the courts gave David (Snowe's biological father) custody in November they state that he has to remain in FL to get custody of Snowe. I now live in NC to help him with all the leg work to get Snowe safe. Allee refused to allow me to see Snowe since I supported David in getting Snowe so there was no use in living in FL anymore. For some odd reason she has remained with Rob even though he is verbally and physically abusive to her and Snowe as well. So far I have not heard of any physical abuse to Aiden but I really don't know. I thought that by us always getting away from Kevin (my first husband) that Allee would see that no person should ever lay a hand on you. I guess she isn't as strong as tried to get her. Some individuals feel as if they have to have a man in their life and that they don't deserve any better than an abusive ignorant jerk. While Allee is very book smart, she has shown me in the past year that book smarts does not make you intelligent.
Strength is something that we all strive for on a daily basis. While we each have our strengths on things, strength within is the hardest to obtain. I understand how much it takes to stand up on your own two feet and not allow someone else to "control" my every move, thought, or emotion. After having Kevin (ex) as my husband I learned that I can be strong without needing to be validated by a man that I am someone. I raised Allee with strength that I want the best for my child and I only depended on myself to do so. When Snowe was born I found an even stronger strength to protect and to nurture in a different way than I did with Allee. Now I cry every day for fear of what is happening to Snowe. There is nothing I can do for Allee now because in her words "your a bitch and it will be a cold day in hell before I ever speak to you outside of court". I know for now she will have to get pass her hatred for me before I can ever be anything more than just a "bitch" to her. She is over 18 so I have no more control of what she does. I can only pray that one day she will see Rob for who he is (which by the way his criminal record goes as far back as 10+_ years and all includes drugs and assault/death/abuse.) As for Aiden.......while he will always be my grand-son, he probably not know me except from whatever Snowe tells him.
As much as I want to say that we control how our children grow up, I can't. Our best intentions can only go so far with them. Our mistakes are not always mistakes for them. What is a good choice for you does not mean it will be good for them. No matter how much we love them, it does not control how they see love or how they love. I told Allee every day I love her and that I am proud of her. I taught her that she should not rely on anyone to make her happy and to always put family first. Instead, she allows one abusive man to control her every move, thought, and emotion. We can only support our children and give them the tools they need to survive and live. If our children head down the wrong road, we don't stop loving them. We just have to continue showing them love and help guide them in the right direction.
Well that is enough for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoy your families. You never know how one of their decisions may change the relationship you have now.
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